Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Day 11 - Compliments

You'll notice I skipped Day 10. This was Day 10: Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. Once again, I had nothing. No toxic friendships, no horrid coworkers... nothing. So, I skipped it.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

This "something"  has changed over the years. When I was a teenager, it was always my hair. Everywhere I went, I'd get comments about my hair. Now, it's my children. How beautiful they are, their hair, their eyes, Sophie's cute chubby little cheeks, their behaviour... it's endless! And I couldn't be happier.

Although, it would be nice if people got my hair colour CORRECT now. I don't mind not being complemented myself, but I've been called both a brunette and a blond lately. What's up with that??

Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 9 - Drifting away

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

I can easily think of one person for this entry. We met in elementary school and quickly became friends, as did our parents. We were inseperable - all of us. Our parents would do things together, once even taking a weekend trip together and leaving the two of us at home together. That was fun! We were friends through the end of high school and college. I was in her wedding; a year later she was in mine. Our first children were born 5 weeks apart. First birthday parties, second... then "life" started happening. We only live 30 minutes apart, if that. She worked during the week and off weekends, I worked weekends and off during the week. Her son played sports and my daughter was in gymnastics - even harder to schedule time together. We finally saw each other at the funeral of a friend, after her second son was born. Not an opportune time to catch up, but we did what we could. The next time I saw her was a couple years later, when she brought her kids to visit my grandmother before she passed away. That day was so nice. I saw her again at my grandmother's funeral, almost three years ago. That was the last time.

She was my bestest friend, my sister.

I miss her.

On Twitter recently someone local I "follow" tweeted that she and her best friend ended their friendship over a stupid arguement a few years ago and she misses her friend and regrets the arguement. I replied that she should reach out with a call or email; it's never too late.

Maybe I should take my own advice.

My hope

I almost wish I had a crystal ball, so I could see into the future of my daughters. I frequently wonder how their relationship will be when they are adults. Will they be close emotionally? Will they live near each other? Will they even get along?

Having no sibling myself, I am experiencing sisterhood through their eyes. Right now it's mutual adoration - Sophie isn't big enough to annoy Emma yet. Emma loves to entertain her baby sister and watches out for her. She is very protective. Sophie adores Emma. She lights up when she sees her big sister and follows her every move with her eyes. They have their special games they play together, and sometimes Sophie would just rather cuddle with her sister than Mommy or Daddy.

They won't have the traditional sibling relationship with their age difference, so I'm not worried about fights over clothes, shoes, CDs, boys... I am sure I will hear several "Mom, she's in my room AGAIN"s and "Mommy, she won't play with me!"s. That is to be expected.  I just hope there are no major, life-changing blowups that affect their relationship. They will always need each other.

I said I almost wish for a crystal ball - in reality, I'd be so afraid to see the future. I'd be crushed if they didn't get along, or were distant (not geographically, but emotionally). I hope they raise families together, that their kids will have cousins around  to play with regularly, big family holidays, all things I didn't have but look wonderful.

In short, I hope they always simply adore each other.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Day 8 - I've got nothing

I seriously almost skipped this one.

Day 8 - Someone who has made your life hell.

I really don't have an answer for this! I know that makes me a very lucky person, and I am very grateful to be so blessed. I even asked my husband if he had any ideas. He suggested an old boyfriend, who actually wasn't that bad. It was just one comment he made at the end of our "friendship" that tainted his entire memory and killed whatever friendship was left. (By the way, if an ex says he wants to be friends, even though you KNOW it will work, run the other way. When you find someone else things get very messy.)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Day 7 - Someone who has made my life worth living

Another easy one! These two:

Seriously, how could I live without their smiling faces??

Friday, August 27, 2010

Day 6 - Please, God, no

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do

This one is easy. There is one thing that I am positive would crush me, so that I would just stop existing.

I hope to never ever ever ever ever outlive my children.

I am so completely lucky that both girls are very healthy, but we know that is no guarantee. It is every parent's worst nightmare and the one thing that would cripple me. I know that it sadly happens to parents all over the world and they go on living, but I cannot comprehend how.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

Yay, another fun one! I like how this series follows up a hard topic with a fun one. It is a good balance.
What do I hope to do in my life?

Graduate college.

It's hard to believe I still haven't. I went straight to college after high school, with a full scholarship. I worked hard to get that scholarship, also. The candidates had to be nominated by their school, then write an essay that seemed HUGE at the time, then a select few were brought in for an interview with a room full of people.

Freshman year was an amazing experience. It was so much fun, and a true growing experience for me. A lot happened that year. Then that summer I returned to the summer camp where I worked the year before, and met my husband. We were married over my Fall Break my sophomore year, and then near the end of the school year Emma was born.

After we moved and bought our house, I went from working part time and going to school full time to work full time and school part time. Then less and less as demands of work and family increased. I never fully stopped going, though.

A couple years ago I enrolled at another school (my fourth!) that has a great program for working adults. Classes meet two nights a week for 6 weeks. Students can get three classes in a semester, but one class at a time, one after the other. It's wonderful.

I completed two or three semesters, and could have had my degree in just two years. Then last summer, shortly before the summer term started, I had to have surgery on the wrist of my writing hand. I would be in an imobilizing brace for a few weeks, with a couple more weeks healing on top of that. In short, the entire class term I would be unable to write or take notes, which puts a kink in school plans. Then the week I had the surgery, we found out Sophie was on the way. Suddenly the tuition money I would be spending had other priorities.

So, this is why I still have no four year degree, fourteen years after starting on the higher education journey. As of now, I hope to graduate before Emma does.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Day 4 - Forgiven but not quite forgotten

Day 4 in 30 Days of Truth is supposed to be "something you have to forgive someone for."  There is only one thing that comes to mind, and I've already forgiven that someone for that something.

But I can't quite seem to forget it.

I am sure that someone would like for me to have forgotten, and perhaps thinks I did. But, try as I might, I can't. The memory of what happened, the words that were exchanged, the emotions I felt- they sneak up on me sometimes still, several years later. They brought with them new emotions - heartbreak, insecurity. The insecurity is the kicker. Heartbreak heals. Eventually, it always heals. But insecurity... it is like herpes. You can supress it, and it will be gone for a long time, but it never really TRULY leaves. It will sneak in when you least expect it and creep around your thoughts, making you doubt yourself and everything you know.

The forgiveness part is easy.

I just wish the forgetting part was.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Day 3 - Something I have to forgive myself for

Wow. This one is tough.

Not that I think I'm perfect, but I try not to hold on to things like this. I hate the way I feel when I think about negative things I've done, things I wish I hadn't done or done differently, so I don't often think of them.

One regret I have, though, is not making more effort to communicate with my grandmother, who died two weeks ago. Obviously not the same grandmother I've blogged about before; this was my father's mother and we lived far away from her. When I was a child, Mom would put me on the phone to her during the weekly call. I'd try talking to her, but my voice was so soft that I'd have to repeat myself several times, then give the phone to my mother who would tell her what I was saying, then get the phone back, hear her response, try to answer, repeat process. I was so frustrated, because I just wanted to have a normal conversation. I tried speaking louder; I just couldn't. I know it was as frustrating to everyone else as it was to me, but there wasn't anythign I could do differently. Finally I started avoiding her calls. She couldn't hear me anyway, so why try? is how my young little mind worked it out.

Now I wonder, why didn't I write? I know we used to. When I got married and was cleaning out my bedroom at my parents' house I found some old letters in my closet with cards I'd exchanged with her.  I really could have and should have kept that up. Especially as I got older; there really was no (valid) excuse not to write.

Now she's gone, and there is no more time to write, call, email, anything. I feel like the only grandchild with no memories of stories Grandma would tell, or rhymes she'd make up. Hearing my cousins talk about her is like hearing stories of someone else's grandmother - this was not the Grandma I knew. Granted, the ones with stories did see her a lot more than I did, and spend time with her that I couldn't, but really, there is no excuse for the lack of communication on my part.

And for that, I need forgiveness.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Day 2 - Something I love about myself

This one will certainly make me FEEL better than Friday's post, but will it be easier or harder? Let's see...

I love my hair colour.

I love that I love to read.

I love that I'm easygoing... Really, sometimes it's better not to get so worked up over little things.

I have learned that I'm strong. I love that about myself. It feels weird putting that out there, feels self-centered and  "uppity" somehow, but it's the truth. I've handled a lot and made it through in one piece.

I (mostly) love my height. I can reach things, I can find people, it's easy to describe myself when meeting someone in a public place (look for the tall redhead... simple, right?).

I love that I can talk to people easilly. It makes waiting in long lines, for the shuttle, for the elevator, whatever, go much faster.

It was smart to have this post be the one AFTER "something you hate about yourself." We need to build ourselves back up after tearing ourselves down.

Friday, August 20, 2010

When I saw the first post this week I thought, "That's a great idea! Too bad I can't in good consciousness copy it." Then I saw another... and a third. That's when I realized it's something "out there" for bloggers to use. And you know what? I could really use some help lately.  And I just might learn something about myself in the process. So here goes!

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Ooh that's easy! My teeth. They are so soft, and so sensitive. No matter how much care I take with them, something always happens. They break so easily.

I also hate that somehow I have a VERY hard time being on time for things. I get up early, I set things out the night before, I do everything you are "supposed" to do but something always happens. It's annoying.

My size. I know that we are all beautiful, and it's the inside that matters, and all that jazz, but honestly, I miss my old body. I miss swimsuits and shorts and cute tops. I hate the parts that jiggle and bulge. I want them to just go away already!

Ok if I keep this up I'm going to end up with a bad day... Good thing tomorrow's post is something I love about myself!

Thursday, August 19, 2010


I have an exciting announcement:

I won the lottery!

Chris and I are thrilled to have such a windfall - and Emma is already writing her Christmas list (or emailing links, actually...) So what are we going to do with all that money?

Pay off all our debt

New car for me

New house!!

Get ALL medical/dental/vision needs taken care of for all of us.

His mom, my parents will get something. Also my former college (which really needs help right now) and his school will each get a donation. Also the church.

College for Emma and Sophie, and for me also - I still have that pesky degree to finish.

He will start his own business, and I will be free to be "Mom" and also have some writing/painting time.

Of course there will be the investments - this money will have to last a long time!
I think we'll take a nice vacation, also.

Sadly, this is just pretend. It would be nice to have everything magically taken care of, but since I don't even buy lottery tickets I just don't see it happening. I also would never be so tacky to announce it like this.

It sure is fun to imagine once in a while, though!

So what would you do if you won millions?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Excuse me while I go hide for a bit...

(Like I could ever really do it)

This has been quite a week. It started with my grandmother dying late Saturday night, just before midnight our time. I had a good cry - for all the time I never got to spend with her, and because I'd now never get a chance to really get to know her. Sunday we spent the afternoon with my family, and my parents flew to North Dakota on Tuesday. Tomorrow is her funeral. I wish so much I could be there.

Also Sunday night Sophie broke out in hives on her arms. Monday morning it was spreading to her face, and by Monday evening her arms were covered in welts and her face had a rash all over one cheek. I bathed her and it helped a lot, used her steroid cream for her eczema and it improved more. Turns out she came into physical contact with pollen on a chair she was sitting in and that was the culprit. She has had nasal allergies for a couple months and is finally old enough for medication for them. Yesterday was her 6 month checkup and we got some Zyrtec - spots were cleared up this morning! It was also the first time in a long time she didn't wake up with a crusted-over nose.

However, we found out something else at her checkup. She has a condition called torticollis. We had noticed for a while that she kept tilting her head to one side, but she hardly ever holds it straight. It's worse when she's getting tired; her ear will touch her shoulder then. She also obviously prefers her right arm and uses it 90% of the time for splashing, playing with toys, and things like that. It is mild now, as she CAN still straighten her head and turn to the other side, and use her left arm, but if left untreated the muscles will tighten and she will lose range of motion. Her pediatrician thinks we can treat at home with therapy without going to "real" PT. If she doesn't improve by her 9 month visit we'll have to go to outside therapy, though.

I am not so sure. I am feeling VERY overwhelmed with this. I understand how important it is - this will not get better on its own and could cause severe problems if it worsens. But I don't know if I'm doing the stretches correctly with her. I don't know if I can do them enough to be effective since I'm not home with her during the day, and I am so afraid of failing her in this. I am blessed that through everything, from her seizures her first week of life to her ear infection that seemed like it would never end, even through her exercises she is a happy, easygoing baby. This would be so much harder if the treatments hurt or made her cry. I think it's uncomfortable for her but I can get her to laugh throughout. But it's still scary and overwhelming for me, like a big cloud of suffocating worry that envelops me when I think about it. And the worry won't help her at all.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Why I write

There are two huge things in my life right now. I am dying to write them out. That is how I deal with issues. I can't always express myself verbally so this really allows me to get it out of my head, work through things. Hopefully get a little feedback, a fresh perspective. I do talk about these things with my husband, but when I have no new words and he has no idea how to help me, what good does it do to keep telling him?

Thing One has been an issue with me for years, but lately is HUGE. It is sad, it is regretful, it causes me to feel guilt. But mostly, it is very sad. But I can't write about it publicly. I just can't expose that side of myself to everyone. I am so afraid of what you will all think of me, friends and family both. I did write a lonnnnnnnnnng post about it a few days ago, but erased without publishing. That did help, some. But not enough. I am not sure writing it out will ever be enough.

Thing Two  is big also, but different. It is life-altering, yet not as bad as I had feared. At least for me, but I am on a different arm of this wheel. I need to work this out, too, but I am not allowed to make it public. I understand and fully agree with the reason, though. At least I can discuss this privately with those who know, which helps. 

So instead of writing off witty blogs, or fascinating research, or something about current issues... I mostly use this as my outlet, my therapy of sorts. And I don't know what I'd do without this!