When I saw the first post this week I thought, "That's a great idea! Too bad I can't in good consciousness copy it." Then I saw another... and a third. That's when I realized it's something "out there" for bloggers to use. And you know what? I could really use some help lately.  And I just might learn something about myself in the process. So here goes!

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Ooh that's easy! My teeth. They are so soft, and so sensitive. No matter how much care I take with them, something always happens. They break so easily.

I also hate that somehow I have a VERY hard time being on time for things. I get up early, I set things out the night before, I do everything you are "supposed" to do but something always happens. It's annoying.

My size. I know that we are all beautiful, and it's the inside that matters, and all that jazz, but honestly, I miss my old body. I miss swimsuits and shorts and cute tops. I hate the parts that jiggle and bulge. I want them to just go away already!

Ok if I keep this up I'm going to end up with a bad day... Good thing tomorrow's post is something I love about myself!

Winners!

I have an exciting announcement:

I won the lottery!

Chris and I are thrilled to have such a windfall - and Emma is already writing her Christmas list (or emailing links, actually...) So what are we going to do with all that money?

Pay off all our debt

New car for me

New house!!

Get ALL medical/dental/vision needs taken care of for all of us.

His mom, my parents will get something. Also my former college (which really needs help right now) and his school will each get a donation. Also the church.

College for Emma and Sophie, and for me also - I still have that pesky degree to finish.

He will start his own business, and I will be free to be "Mom" and also have some writing/painting time.

Of course there will be the investments - this money will have to last a long time!
I think we'll take a nice vacation, also.


Sadly, this is just pretend. It would be nice to have everything magically taken care of, but since I don't even buy lottery tickets I just don't see it happening. I also would never be so tacky to announce it like this.

It sure is fun to imagine once in a while, though!

So what would you do if you won millions?

Excuse me while I go hide for a bit...

(Like I could ever really do it)

This has been quite a week. It started with my grandmother dying late Saturday night, just before midnight our time. I had a good cry - for all the time I never got to spend with her, and because I'd now never get a chance to really get to know her. Sunday we spent the afternoon with my family, and my parents flew to North Dakota on Tuesday. Tomorrow is her funeral. I wish so much I could be there.

Also Sunday night Sophie broke out in hives on her arms. Monday morning it was spreading to her face, and by Monday evening her arms were covered in welts and her face had a rash all over one cheek. I bathed her and it helped a lot, used her steroid cream for her eczema and it improved more. Turns out she came into physical contact with pollen on a chair she was sitting in and that was the culprit. She has had nasal allergies for a couple months and is finally old enough for medication for them. Yesterday was her 6 month checkup and we got some Zyrtec - spots were cleared up this morning! It was also the first time in a long time she didn't wake up with a crusted-over nose.

However, we found out something else at her checkup. She has a condition called torticollis. We had noticed for a while that she kept tilting her head to one side, but she hardly ever holds it straight. It's worse when she's getting tired; her ear will touch her shoulder then. She also obviously prefers her right arm and uses it 90% of the time for splashing, playing with toys, and things like that. It is mild now, as she CAN still straighten her head and turn to the other side, and use her left arm, but if left untreated the muscles will tighten and she will lose range of motion. Her pediatrician thinks we can treat at home with therapy without going to "real" PT. If she doesn't improve by her 9 month visit we'll have to go to outside therapy, though.

I am not so sure. I am feeling VERY overwhelmed with this. I understand how important it is - this will not get better on its own and could cause severe problems if it worsens. But I don't know if I'm doing the stretches correctly with her. I don't know if I can do them enough to be effective since I'm not home with her during the day, and I am so afraid of failing her in this. I am blessed that through everything, from her seizures her first week of life to her ear infection that seemed like it would never end, even through her exercises she is a happy, easygoing baby. This would be so much harder if the treatments hurt or made her cry. I think it's uncomfortable for her but I can get her to laugh throughout. But it's still scary and overwhelming for me, like a big cloud of suffocating worry that envelops me when I think about it. And the worry won't help her at all.

Why I write

There are two huge things in my life right now. I am dying to write them out. That is how I deal with issues. I can't always express myself verbally so this really allows me to get it out of my head, work through things. Hopefully get a little feedback, a fresh perspective. I do talk about these things with my husband, but when I have no new words and he has no idea how to help me, what good does it do to keep telling him?

Thing One has been an issue with me for years, but lately is HUGE. It is sad, it is regretful, it causes me to feel guilt. But mostly, it is very sad. But I can't write about it publicly. I just can't expose that side of myself to everyone. I am so afraid of what you will all think of me, friends and family both. I did write a lonnnnnnnnnng post about it a few days ago, but erased without publishing. That did help, some. But not enough. I am not sure writing it out will ever be enough.

Thing Two  is big also, but different. It is life-altering, yet not as bad as I had feared. At least for me, but I am on a different arm of this wheel. I need to work this out, too, but I am not allowed to make it public. I understand and fully agree with the reason, though. At least I can discuss this privately with those who know, which helps. 

So instead of writing off witty blogs, or fascinating research, or something about current issues... I mostly use this as my outlet, my therapy of sorts. And I don't know what I'd do without this!

Twelve

Strong

Stubborn

Sure of herself

Precious little girl growing up too fast

I remember her as a small child, playing dress-up. Princess one minute, rock star the next. Dorothy in sparkly red shoes.

Singing, dancing to the music of her soul.

Fascinated by life. Captivated and captivating.

She once snuggled and slept on my chest just as her baby sister now sleeps. She still likes to snuggle, just don't tell her friends.

Her world is still black and white. There is no gray area. A behaviour is good or bad. A person is good or bad. She will accept you and love you, or cut ties and never look back.

Our first baby girl, the sole light of our lives for so long.

When did you grow so tall?

When did you get so worldly?

Yesterday you were collapsed in sleep in satin princess jammies, looking at a car magazine. Today you are reading Twilight and discussing the hotness of Taylor Lautner with your new BFF.

I want a pause button. I want a rewind button.

But most of all, I want you to continue to grow into this amazing young lady I see emerging.

Baby love

The smell of lavender

Cool floor

Soft cotton rugs

Blinds closed - dim room

Poetry on the wall

Flowers everywhere

Tiny dresses hanging in rows

Peace

Relax

Chubby little cheeks

Bright blue eyes

Soft fair skin

Softly curling whispy red hair

Teeny, tiny toenails

Gigantic gummy grin

Smile that lights up her whole face

Baby kisses

Belly laughs

Happy chuckles

Cuddles

Sleepily snuggling into my chest

Warning: Obects in windshield are closer than they appear

I have had the worst best luck the past few weeks while commuting to and from work. Seriously - I called my husband last night on my way home and asked him what I could have done to set all of this off! Luckily I have not been hurt (yet) but each time has been such a close call!

It all started several weeks ago. I had dropped the girls off at the babysitter's house and was almost back to the interstate. I was on a very busy five lane highway with TONS of semi traffic. Imagine combining the best retail/restaurant area on this side of the city, two major travel centers, a hospital, and so much just 'in general" traffic and and interstate ramp or four and you can imagine where I was. There was a pickup truck up ahead of me that was loaded down like someone was moving. All of a sudden, a metal shelving unit (the kind sold for workshops and garages) comes flying off the truck, and into the air straight at my car. I brake, and it crashes to the road several feet in front of me. I slam on brakes (miraculously I wasn't rear-ended) and close my eyes. I stop LITERALLY an inch from the metal. The truck is way ahead at this point, at the traffic light. I start honking my horn like crazy (like that's effective. My horn has small-car syndrome. It sounds like a kids' toy.) The driver sees what happened, and backs up and removes his shelves from in front of my car. Also the police car in the parking lot next to the street saw what happened - thankfully for me, because he blocked traffic so I was able to back up and go around and get to work. Not so thankfully for the pickup driver, who was detained on the side of the road.

Then, a few weeks later, I was driving down the interstate headed home from work. Rush hour, lots of traffic. We weren't quite to the first backup spot yet, so traffic was actually moving at normal speed. There was a car in front of me, and a truck pulling a trailer in front of that car. All of a sudden, guess what happens... a 4 ft by 4 ft piece of what I thought was glass went flying up into the air.... and then started plummeting. Straight at ME. I had flashes of what a plate of glass could do at that speed/distance. I panicked. Hard. The car in front of me swerved onto the shoulder, but by that time the sheet of glass was crashing to the highway. I also went to the shoulder, but ended up driving over part of it. Thankful again for brakes on cars - I was able to slow just enough that it hit right in front of my car. And it turned out to be plexiglass, not actual glass, thank goodness. It didn't shatter like glass would. Also very lucky I wasn't rear-ended.

Then last night - guess what happened.

We had thunderstorms and heavy rain yesterday afternoon, so traffic was moving slowly. After passing the usual slowdowns, though, the rain had stopped and traffic was moving along at a decent speed (most of us). There was one of the big trucks, like the ones ulitlites use, and construction people, and the city street furniture/branches/whatever-is-out-but-not-garbage pickup services use, in the lane next to me but a little ahead. He was speeding. Really speeding. I noticed something that looked like a hammer up in the sky, and thought "that's odd." Then it started to fall... quickly. It was a freaking PUSH BROOM. Seriously - something else flying off a truck in front of me. Again - very lucky. It landed in the lane next to me (RIGHT next to me) and there wasn't a car in that spot. Push brooms bounce really far, too, by the way. The driver never saw what happened. He was going so fast I couldn't even see him after about 30 seconds.

I wonder if I should start telecommuting... this driving thing is getting scary.

My hair is bipolar

I am baffled.

Mystified.

Confused.

Surprised.

I have no idea what is going on with my hair. My entire life, it has been the same: a light red with the occasional darker red or blond strand in the mix, fine, and very very very straight.

Seriously straight.

Curling-irons-are-useless, couldn't-even-perm-it straight.

Lately, though, I've noticed something interesting. The new hairs that grow at the top of my head and around my face... are curly. And "platinum." (Shh, don't spoil my delusion.)

This is the weirdest thing! Is it hormonal changes from childbirth? Is it age? (Remember- don't spoil the delusion. Of course it's not age.) Maybe it's all the failed perms from my preteen years finally "taking."

It sure does make a difference in styling my hair. Well, if I DID really style my hair more than either putting it up, pulling it back in a clip, or leaving it down until it bugged me too much and I put it up.

Instead of everything staying smooth and flat, I have these weird frizzy flyaways that puff out from ear to ear across my head. I had to unclog my hairspray bottle (I think it had been a year or more since I last used it...) and tried to hold them down that way. It didn't work, and I could smell the stuff all day long. I can't use heavy styling products because my hair is too fine and thin (think baby hair but longer) to support them. If I even knew HOW to use the products.

So what do I do? I keep removing whatever "platinum" strands I can see but apparently there are more on top of my head, judging from my mom's "oh my" and giggle last time she cut my hair. Good thing I'm tall - no one else can see those!

If only I could get the fluffy strands under control.

"Women with lower IQ more likely to pursue rich men"

I heard about this article on my way to work this morning. Apparently it is causing quite the controversy! A study from University of Michigan found that women with lower IQs are more attracted to rich men than women with higher IQs.

Here is the full text:

A new study from the Michigan University has found that women with lower IQ are more likely to be attracted to rich men than their smarter counterparts, reported UK's Daily Mail.

The findings suggest that contrary to popular belief, there's more to the 'gold digger' phenomenon than pure greed. Researchers are now suggesting that it could be seen as an "instinctive urge to guarantee a secure financial future for any potential children."

Lead author of the study, Dr Christine Stanik, of Michigan University, says it is "only natural" for women with limited education and career prospects to pursue men who are able to provide financial stability.

‘In ancient times, women evolved an attraction to men with wealth because they knew such a mate could improve the chances of their offspring’s survival,’ said Stanik.

‘It is a very strong gut feeling that is hard to shake off, especially when a woman does not have her own career which would give her financial independence.’

So next time you feel like indulging in an episode of Girls of the Playboy Mansion, don't give yourself a hard time. Remember, it's not only mindless reality TV you are watching -- but true Darwinism at work.

Hmm.

One of the radio show hosts (a woman) was outraged and felt this study demeaned women. She is getting married next month but has a standard for the men she would date - they had to not so much be successful or wealthy NOW, but have the drive and ambition to get there.

I kind of see the truth in it, though. The article doesn't contradict women seeking men with ambition. Smart women DO gravitate toward men who are more their equals. I see this article applying more so to women like Lorelie in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." Pretty, not terribly smart, places a higher value on money than anything else. She wants to marry a rich man, one who can buy her diamonds and take care of her every material desire.

Women with higher IQs are the ones who go to college, have successful careers, have other interests. They can provide for themselves and don't need a man to fill that need. They have other needs. If you'll notice, the article makes no mention of ambition, drive, or personal success. Wealth is the only attribute considered. This could mean a now-grown trust fund kid "finding himself" while living off his family's name and fortune. It could explain the whole Anna Nicole phenomenon - women going for the rich old men and gaining (or fighting surviving children for) an inheritance.

No, the study finding itself doesn't offend me at all. I know where I stand. I love my husband dearly and would be devastated if anything ever happened to him or to our marriage, but in the end, I know I could take care of myself.

Gratitude

I had a sick day again yesterday. This time it wasn't me; the baby is sick. She was fine on Monday, slightly congested Monday night, then when I woke her up yesterday morning her nose was all crusted over and her poor little eye was matted shut! I used a warm washcloth to free her face while I called the pediatrician's nurse, who wanted her seen right away. Turns out she has infection in both ears and her eye. But we caught it before it got TOO terribly bad. Anyway, yesterday was spent as it should be: snuggled up on the couch with my babygirl. Older babygirl was at her grandparents' house but we exchanged phone calls/texts all day. She knew Sophie was sick first thing, since she called me as I was getting my phone to call the nurse, and wanted me to call her right away after the visit. "I want to know EVERY detail." Such a caring big sister! She even offered to cut her visit short and come home early - even though beloved Aunt Shirley flew in yesterday. I love my girls.

I used a quiet opportunity yesterday to make another entry in my gratitude journal. I discovered something awful, though - it won't save if I list more than five things! So I had to cut a few lines from the list. I believe that it still needs to get "out there" somehow, so here is my full list from yesterday:

* Understanding boss
* Great healthcare providers
* Health insurance (picked up 4 prescriptions yesterday. Total cost: $0)
* Medicine to heal my babygirl
* She likes her antibiotic!! No struggles to get the medicine down her throat
* Happy babies (no crankiness or fussiness all day)
* It wasn't quite as hot yesterday.
* Fans - one fan kept our house 9 degrees cooler all day yesterday.
* Caring older daughter
* Diaper Genie (you really don't want to know the details there...)

And of course, as usual, my husband, my daughters, my family, my friends. I don't know how I would get through this life without them.

What's cooking?

So I decided to make Sophie's baby food instead of buying it. Not only is it healthier, it's a lot cheaper, too! I did get discouraged in the beginning because I couldn't get my baby food maker to work properly and bought a couple packages of Gerber, but after some time to calm down, an email and a phone call to customer service, I am cooking up a storm!

A couple months ago I got the First Years' BabyPro All-in-one baby food maker. It is a little unit with a steamer and food processor. It is not very big, and doesn't take up much counter space. Since I do not have a real food processor, don't know where to get one or what in the world I'd do with it other than make baby food, and have no idea how to steam foods on the stove, I figured it was a sound investment. And we have a small kitchen - the size and having everything in one unit was a huge plus.

I started out with squash. The babysitter has a garden and had given me four HUGE yellow squash. Huge is more of an understatement - these things were monsters. I cut up part of one for the steamer, cooked the rest for our dinner, and had leftovers. Then apples, avocado (not steamed), and peaches. I made cherries and banana next. Today I went grocery shopping and picked up frozen peas, and fresh pears, plums, sweet potatoes, and butternut squash. This baby will be eating good the next few months!

My husband seems a bit surprised by all this. He is fully behind it, but can't figure out where the food-processing bug came from. Honestly, I don't either. I am NOT this domesticated. I cook from mixes, not from scratch. I much prefer the fast, easy way to cook. But I just can't make myself buy all this jarred babyfood!

At least I know without a doubt what will be going in her little stomach. And we won't have to worry about any recalls, either.

So hard to say goodbye

So my goal of writing every day has already hit a snag! I DID remember, but it was after midnight and I knew if I turned on my computer it wouldn't be just to write something. The allure of the internet is just too strong!

In my defense, yesterday was a REALLY bad day. My 12 yr old has been sick since Thursday, the baby had a fever off and on over the weekend, and I woke up on Sunday sick also. Yesterday felt worse. Also, I had a feeling my cat was getting another UTI since I found dark brown pee from her on Sunday and sure enough, when we got up yesterday morning she was sick also. So I took a sick day so Em and I could recover and I could take the cat to the vet for some antibiotics.

When we got there, the diagnosis wasn't what I had expected at all. It was not a UTI but a recurring infection (she had it in January also but made a full recovery). Her little body would attack its own red blood cells suddenly (that was the dark brown urine) and this time she just couldn't fight it off. The only treatment was a blood transfusion, but that itself would probably have been too much stress on her sick little body. I called my husband to discuss it with him, when suddenly the vet said "I need a decision NOW because she's dying on the table." So after 13 years of life, my poor kitty left us. It was so hard on us all. She and her sister were our "practice babies." We got them as 6 month old kittens when we were pregnant with Emma. These two animals have trained us well. Sure, we gave Ocoee the nickname "Pita" (Pain in the a**) but loved her dearly. She loved nothing more than to get in a lap and be the center of attention.

Chris came home from work early and buried her. I picked out a spot under the dogwood tree at the edge of our yard. The vet's office did provide a burial box for her, which was very nice. Her sister Charla seems to know something is different - she has been very clingy since we got home yesterday morning.

So that's why I didn't write anything yesterday. I was sick and heartbroken. That's also all I can write about it today because if I don't stop now, I'll start crying again and I'm back at work today. Can't have that. It was hard enough finding her fur all over one of my bags. She had slept on it most of Saturday when she wasn't trying to steal my seat at the dinner table or stealing the bacon left unattened for a few minutes.

I'm going to miss that little bugger...

Mamas, I need your help!

I realized I am guilty of doing something I have always been opposed to doing.

I don't know how to change.

I had this realization when I was browsing a local website for moms, www.knoxmoms.com (BTW if you live in Knoxville area and have kids, check out this site. Bookmark it. Seriously.) Anyway, there is a group titled KnoxMoms for Comprehensive Sexual Education. My first thought is "Excellent!" I really think kids should be taught about sex - their body parts, what they do, how to protect themselves, and how to communicate about their feeling. I really do!

However - ask me how many times I've discussed this with my own 12 year old daughter. Or better yet, don't ask me! I can't answer that! When she was 8, she asked me what a period was and I gave her a basic, bare-bones discussion of what happens, reproduction-wise, but no real details. With my pregnancy, she learned all about baby developement and how babies are actually born. She has had a class at school, but I don't even know what was covered! She says the teacher never actually got around to the "sex" part of the sex-education class. I dont' even know for sure how much she actually knows!

This is not healthy at all. I was (intentionally or not) raised thinking sex was bad, not discussed at all, forbidden. When my mom tried to have "the talk" with me I was so freaked out I wouldn't let her speak. I still can't discuss things like that with her! I'm married with two kids so obviously she's aware I'm not a virgin, but I still can't have that conversation. When I think of having a similar discussion with Emma, I have the same awkward freak-out in my head and just put it off again. I just can't get the words out!

On one hand, I am afraid of "spoiling her innocence" - exposing her to this foreign, scary world that she doesn't need to think about at her age. On the other hand, I am well aware of what other kids her age are doing and think she probably knows some of it already. Is some misinformation? Probably. But I'm too afraid to broach the subject with her to find out.

How do I get over this?

House and home

(I am trying to get back in the habit of blogging regularly again. I have really slacked off since Sophie was born! I guess that is a good reason, but still... For me, the writing habit is of the "use it or lose it" variety. I apologize in advance if I am a bit random or rambling.)

Today is cleaning day. My first couple weeks back at work I was really good about keeping the house picked up and laundry kept up. That, unfortunately, didn't last long. So, today is cleaning day. I am really trying to stick to one room at a time but I keep getting so distracted! I have a ring sling, though, that helps me get more done when Sophie is awake and wanting Mommy instead of Daddy or big sister.

Thursday, we had a new roof put on our house. The week before I went back to work, Emma was on Spring Break and showed me some spots on her ceiling. Yep, water damage. We could have just had the spots repaired, but in a couple years would need a new roof entirely, so we just had that done all at once.

Not only was the roof old and deteriorating, our gutters were in horrid condition! Neither the roof nor the gutters were built properly when the house was built, so we are dealing with that damage now. Today we are getting all new gutters and soffit. We are also getting a leaf guard put in, so no more climbing to the roof to clean out the gutters.

It is so nice to have repairs done to the house. I have not been feeling the love for it lately. I joke about wanting the contractor from Holmes on Homes to visit, but really would prefer Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Eleven years in, we are finding out just how poorly our house was built 32 years ago, and it is wearing on the soul, that's for sure. I know "home" is what you make it, but when our house seems to be revolting against us... the home feeling just isn't as strong. We are slowly but surely getting the repairs done, and I hope soon we can work on improvements.

In the meantime, while the workers are working on the outside of the house, I'll work on the inside, making it once again "home."

No more...

Two weeks ago, I had a procedure done that has made me sterile. Same principle as having my tubes tied, but non-invasive and not painful. It was a simple, quick, and easy procedure. (I even got to watch the screen along with the doctor!) This is definitely what I wanted, and I have no second thoughts or regrets.

However, for some reason I am a little sad. Sophie is the last baby in the house. There is no reason to hang on to her adorable little outfits once she outgrows them. The heirloom baby cradle will never be used by our little family unit again, until Emma is grown and has a little one of her own.

And for the life of me, I don't know why this makes me sad! I truly do not want to have more children. I am happy with our family the way it is. And honestly, financially and spatially we can't have another. We can't afford for me not to work, and childcare for three, one after school and two full-time, would be impossible. We'd need a larger house if we had another, also. Bigger house = bigger mortgage. Again, not possible.

Is this some innate biological feeling? Some ancient instinct saying "females must be able to produce!"?? A biological clock I never knew I had?? I mean, logically and rationally (and even 95% emotionally) I know without a doubt this was the right direction. But that tiny, hidden part of me thinks "what have I done?"