Doubt

I'm being too hard on myself today. As I told friends yesterday, my inner critic is a bitch and I hate her. Yesterday, she was silent. The words flowed from my brain to my keyboard like magic. Everything was wonderful. I was excited.

Today, she's back. She asks me what I think I'm trying to do, why anyone would want to read anything I write. I'm second-guessing like crazy - the big idea that inspired my story to continue and just might be the big plot line that drives the whole thing now seems like an exercise in futility.

I keep telling myself that the first draft is just that - first draft. I don't and can't produce perfection the first try. I compare the words on my screen to books I'm reading and cringe at the comparison. My logical side knows that all the published books I read had many drafts and revisions, but my inner self-doubt tells me I'll never good enough.

I hate my inner critic. But I have no idea how to make her go away.

Does everyone who writes feel like this? What does it take to be confident? How does one silence the inner doubt?

Boheme, interrupted

Rent is one of my favorite movies ever. I have the soundtrack and listen to it almost every day on my way home from work. I love it. My favorite song from the movie, like many others, is La Vie Boheme (click for the video). Since I have a longish commute, I tend to ponder different things. For instance, what draws me to this song so strongly?

Finally, it hit me. In another life, if I was braver and more free, that could have been me. I would have loved living in New York City, using my creativity, surrounding myself with friends who are also creative. I could have fit right in with the arty world. Sure, in the movie they don't make lots of money, but the freedom they enjoy is incredible. Freedom to create what they want, perform how they want, love who they want, make friends with who they want. No judgements, just love and acceptance.

Not that I don't love my life now - but a different version of me... That could have been my dream.

Something new

On my way to work this morning, I had an idea for a blog post. Then I thought about making a series of posts. Then I realized I had enough for an entirely seperate blog like this.

And so, Letters to my Daughters was born.

This is not a blog to replace Inspired Life, but a sister blog. It is my hope that my oldest will read this regularly, and when my youngest is old enough that she will read the letters also. Some will be for one or the other, some will be for both. It's a place for me to say to them the things that are hard to say in person.

Conflicted

I'm conflicted about something. I seem to have a contradiction in my brain and can't figure it out.

Lately, I've been reading some silly, cheesy romance novels.  Hello, free Kindle books! But, they're fun, easy reads, take my mind of the stress of the past few months, and I can generally knock one out on my lunch break.  On the other hand, I hate romantic movies. We watched a Hallmark movie today and I couldn't stop rolling my eyes at the ridiculousness of it - not to mention the formulaic predictability. But how is that different than the books I've been reading? It's not, I suppose. Although if the ending of the books I read is too over the top cheesy, I get mad and hate the entire book. Like there was one I read, I can't even remember which one by name, where the heroine had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship/engagement. Something major had happened to make her lose trust in men; the ex cheated or something like that. Doesn't matter - she was weeks out of this. She meets the male lead, they go out on a couple dates, are consumed with passion for each other like two hormonal teenagers whose parents are away, and within weeks are engaged to be married.

Seriously? What sane woman would jump into an engagement with that much baggage? What sane man would want her to? Every time the books end with an engagement after mere weeks I get irritated.

But then I feel like a giant hypocrite. Because my husband and I were engaged within weeks, and married four months after we met. But, I'm not a romantical person, so I'm conflicted still.

Then, I think "Forget it." In the end, it's all brain candy.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to you all! This is our Christmas card picture.

And just for fun, here are some outtakes.

Almost-three-year-olds don't always cooperate, and the results are hilarious.

Help wanted

Exhausted.
So overwhelmed.
Tense.
Inadequate.
Drained of energy.
Achy.
Frustrated.

I want normal back.


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Shufflin'

I saw this on Instagram and thought it would be a fun blog post.
Put your iPod or mp3 player on shuffle, and list the first 20 songs that come up.

1.  Ninja Tuna
2. You Were Meant for Me
3. Maid with the Flaxen Hair
4. Paper Gangsta
5. Sweet Sour
6. Homebrew
7. Are You Satisfied?
8. Walk On
9. Mea Culpa
10. Push It
11. One Song Glory
12. It's Real
13. Seeing Black
14. I Like You so Much Better When You're Naked
15. Love Letter to Japan
16. Bonkers
17. Shampain
18. Know Me
19. Somebody that I Used to Know
20. Home

Christmas wishing

We are having a small Christmas this year. Since I prefer our girls to love the holiday more for the togetherness and family time than the presents, I'm okay with that. But, presents are fun. And daydreaming is fun. So, here is my imaginary Christmas wish list.

Books. I have been doing so much reading lately. Almost all of the books I've read, literally 5-10 a week, have been brain vacations, little escapes. But I have several great books on my Kindle wish list that I can't wait to dig into.
Kindle (amazon) gift cards. See above.
Gift cards to JC Penney and New York & Company. I need new clothes desperately. I have very few casual clothes, and many of my dress clothes are showing their age. I can only do so much in the way of repairs.
The latest Sims 3 expansion packs, and time to play. (Excuse me while I pull my geeky side out of the closet.) I love this game so much.
Dark chocolate. The good kind, not a bar of Hershey's. And Toblerone - although I prefer that in milk. It's the only time I prefer milk chocolate over dark chocolate.
And since I'm dreaming, I'll throw in a really good DSLR camera. And the knowledge to use it.

That's it - my materialistic side's Christmas wish list.

In memory

For the children and their teachers. And for the parents, grandparents, siblings, extended family, and friends who have just had their lives shattered.

We went to the zoo again!

This week we got a postcard in the mail from the zoo, telling us that Santa would be there starting yesterday. Also, with our membership, we could bring guests! So, we went to the zoo with my parents.

Um... Hi again :)

My Thanksgiving weekend break from blogging ran a bit long - sorry!
I thought about blogging a few times, but didn't know what to say. I had a fresh blank post all ready and waiting to be filled, several times the past couple weeks, but then nothing would come out. That filter I mentioned once? It has been a real downer lately. I can blog about internal struggles all day long, but things that go on with my family as a whole - I just can't do it. But after some tense times and a near-hysterical breakdown one morning, we are hopeful things are looking up. At least my hope is back and the panic has subsided. (BTW, no I'm not pregnant. Don't start any rumours - that's permanently prevented.)
So what have I been doing?
I've been downloading lots of free Kindle books and reading. I love to read. I like these sites:
Kindle Buffet
Book Bassett
New Free eBooks Discovered for you Daily (She really should shorten that title)
I do love to read. Have I mentioned that yet?

We put up our Christmas tree. You can see one of our new windows, too.


(There's a little elf behind the tree, too!)

Saturday we watched our town's Christmas parade, the first one we've had at night. It was lots of fun, and the lit-up floats were beautiful.

Today I had to make an emergency shopping trip on my lunch break (RIP zipper on my pants) and found a cute little LIVE Christmas tree at Walgreens! I brought it back to my office to liven things up a bit.


Isn't it adorable?

By the way, when I was out at lunch it was 67 degrees. And Christmas is in three weeks.

Day 24

I'm thankful for naptime.

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Day 21

Today, I am thankful for a four day weekend.

Very thankful.

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Day 20

I don't have a photo for this one, so just insert your own mental photo :)

I'm thankful for friendship.

Everyone needs friends who support you unconditionally, who have your back, who cheer you on, and make you laugh even when you're a hysterical mess from stress. We have various backgrounds and perspectives and views, but also we all have each other.

I know it's been said, but I love all you crazy ladies!

Thank you for being there.

Monday randomness

I don't like egg nog.

I make a good salad. Today's consisted of spring mix, sprouts, sliced cucumber, pomegranate, and mandarine oranges, all topped with balsamic vinaigrette. Yum.

Turns out I make good hummus, too.

Peppermint mocha Coffeemate is amazing.

The frosting recipe on Pinterest called "That's the best frosting Ive ever tasted!" is misnamed. Either that or the writer needs to try more frosting. It was "meh" at best. Great consistency, though!

The countdown to the Doctor Who Christmas special makes me excited every day, until I realize that it's also the countdown to Christmas itself, then I panic. It's 60 today! While I love these temperatures, I cannot get into the holiday spirit when it's this nice out.

I think I'm more excited about my upcoming four day weekend than the holiday itself. I'm so tired lately.

Today we're getting new windows in our house. My husband is texting me photos of each window as it's completed, and I am loving it. I can't wait to get home and see them in person. Our old windows were horrible. Four of them wouldn't stay up by themselves, and one was duct-taped together to keep it where it belonged. Not kidding.

Last month we had new insulation put in our attic space. Instead of fiberglass that needs to be replaced periodically, we went with a radiant barrier insulation. Over the weekend we got our first electric bill with the insulation. It was around $100 less than the past few months. After the windows are complete, we're anticipating our bill will be half what it had been.